How To Find Hope

Standard

bluebirdYou always know it’s going to get better
It’s just that sometimes You don’t care
About looking forward to the unknown
Which has pretty much an equal chance
Of being fantastic
Or an utter disappointment

There are some days that
Someone could tell you
Without a sliver of doubt
Tomorrow you’ll win the lottery
And you’d just shrug and walk away
Staring at your shoes

You used to say about your life,
Well,
At least it’s been interesting
But interesting has lost its shine
Interesting is lying somewhere in a gutter
Without it’s wallet or it’s dignity

And HOPE who used to lift you up
Is struggling to stay in the air
So many of her feathers lost
That when she tries to float
It’s more like a stutter
The bluest ones you loved
Were the first to go

No, you’re too tired these days
To love anything
Or anyone again
At least not with your entire heart
It seems insurmountable
Unlikely
Ridiculous

It’s an effort just trying to be useful
Trying to love someone
To find someone to love
Who will love you back
Without swallowing you whole
Or chewing you to pieces
From the inside out

No. That ship can sail on without you.
It’s too much work
You’ve been caught up in the rigging
Dangling high above the deck
Like a sorrowful kite
Hem tickling your ears
So many times
It’s no longer embarrassing

Just tiresome
Yeah
It might really be over
Time to hang your heart on a hook
In the foyer
Like that. dusty hat you always mean
To grab on the way out but forget.

You used to FEEL helpless
Now you KNOW that you are
It’s not a feeling you care for
You used to feel isolated
And now you contribute to your isolation
It’s a comfort you’ve come to resent

It’s funny
The things in life you think
Will surely destroy you
Only show you how resilient you are
It’s the little things
The ones you thought you could
Just shake off
That accumulate
A weighty poison

It’s the one you fooled yourself
Into thinking held no power over you
Who turned your heart into a desert
While you slept
Who made your bones angry and brittle
Who tapped the last of your strength

And tired isn’t getting any easier
It just takes you further away from the world
Passivity
At some point a decision’s got to be made
Or it will be made for you
By time and neglect

For now you live with insomnia
And cells and neurons at war with each other
Most of the time your eyes are dry
Surprise tears sting you blind
Often you feel like you are too close
To the edge of the precipice

Most days you feel like you are trapped behind a giant stone.
You can’t roll it away
It feels like every day of your life has been
A different view from the same prison

You can’t reconcile the dream
With the life
Or the things on your plate
Or the realization that you absolutely can’t
Do it alone
But you have to
Anyway

You still make little efforts with the half heart you have left
But all you want to do is sleep
Because Hope still flies in dreams
And has all of her feathers
The blue ones that can lift you up
And coax you to go further

-LM 2015

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