Conversations With Opie

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I used to be smitten with a  pair of cats; Opie and The Mysterious Germoe. After a while a third cat, Funky Ear Tony came to live with them. They lived in a house called, The Fear and Loathing, in Oakland, California. Sadly, their parents distanced themselves from me and I still don’t know why. Ouch. That’s fodder for another, more serious blog, I suppose. It’s water under the bridge now because they all moved to Georgia and they live in a lovely house called, Hope Springs and I only catch up on their adventures through Facebook.

Anyway, Opie, a very floofy ginger, used to get his treats from a little egg that would roll across the floor. (I suppose he still does, it’s just that someone else does it now) They would drop out one by one and it was very exciting for him to chase them. (Exercise) He also has very thick Maine Coonish fur. This is a typical exchange. You will relate if you have cats, if you have cats with thick coats that toss up hairballs or have tried to take photos of your pets only to watch them move as you click the shutter.

ME: Hey Op. Now that you have had your “exercise” chasing the magic egg around the floor and gobbling the treats that fell out of it, how about you let me brush you?

OPIE: More treats!

ME: No Op. You got quite a few this time. I gotta cut you off! No exploding Opie, Ok? How about a good brushing?

OPIE: *Rubs against his Pet Nanny*  Lots of pets?

ME: *gives Sir Fluffalot a good scritch*  Of course, you may have all the pets you like, but you are looking pretty woolly little dude. I’m going to brush you too!

*rubs sturdy brush over Opie’s fluff but not much happens*
*Opie exhibits the cat version of a shrug, sniffs brush. Rubs chin on it.*

OPIE: Oooooh scratchy! *continues to rub the brush.*

ME: Let’s try brushing again

OPIE: *Shrug. Rub. Scratch*

ME: *Tries again to brush Opie thoroughly*  What the heck Op? Your fluff is like armor! My brush is powerless against it. I got like three loose hairs! Where do all those orange hairballs come from if your fuzz doesn’t come loose?

OPIE: *looks nonchalant*

ME: Ok. Well, while I have your attention you photogenic rascal, let me just grab my phone and get a picture for your parents who miss you!

OPIE: Ok.

ME: Cool! Got it! Oh that’s so cute. Let me just get it into focus and *click*

*Opie has walked away*

ME: Cats! *sigh*

LM 2015/2017

Opie

The Inimitable Opie!

 

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Conversations With THE KITTY! (In A New Place On Moving Day)

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This is LiLi, the cat of many names. AKA Merph, Merphy Brown, Captain Merphlepoof, Monkey Butt and of course, Grumpitha to name a few. Alas! If only I’d had a computer at the time, we could have beat that Grumpy Cat to fame and fortune!

Merph: What the hell Mom?
But wait. ALL our stuff is here so this isn’t a sleepover spot. But why is the bed surrounded by towers of boxes? I’m not sure if this is adequate or not. You sure are lucky that I’m so good with new environments!

Me: At least, “Stompy McStomperson” (our former loud housemate) isn’t here. Oh boy, but wait until you hear the garage door!

LiLi aka Merph: I don’t know what a garage door is, but MY bed is here which I will share with you. In other words I will sleep with my butt in your face.

Me: Okay. Thanks?

LiLi: By the way this “view” is fantastic!
(Kitty sarcasm)
So, Puuurrrrrrr.

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The fantastic view!

Me: Don’t be mad. I can’t figure out where your food bowls and your toys are. I just checked with my client and she says I didn’t leave them behind. Maybe they are in the trunk of the car.

LiLi: This is most inadequate. I demand that you go find them at once!

Me: Maybe when it stops raining. I just changed my clothes. The ones I was wearing are soaking wet.

LiLi: What is it about, “At Once!” that was not clear?

Me: How about I make the bed?

LiLi: I not purr now.

Me: Tough love. Tough love.

 

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Once again, trapped under a kitty.

It turns out that Merph is completely nonplussed by our bedroom being over the garage. That big noisy gate doesn’t even make her ears twitch. Frankly, it’s soothing compared to all the noise at the last few places we lived. The rain sound is not the best, no roof, just water slapping pavement, but it’s not the worst either. It’s nicer when I close the window.) 

 

 

(A little while later)

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Merph: You find my food bowls yet?

Me: It’s still raining. I have to go look in the car.

Merph: Inadequate. Most Inadequate!

Me: Besides, how can I do anything when you are on my lap?

Merph: Magic! Duh.

 

Me: I can’t even make the bed because you won’t move.

Merph: I helping!

Me: Cats seriously have a strange idea if what, “helping” means.

Merph: Bowls now?

Me: *bonk*

(And later that day….)

Me: (finally) Merph, I found your food bowl, your crunchies and your toys.

Merph: Eh. I’m busy sitting in this basket.

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Put down a basket, even a smooshed one, and voila, in goes a cat! It must be in their DNA.

Me: Loooook, I filled your water bowl!

Merph: Yeah, I might get to that later.

Me: OK then, I’ll just put this catnip away.

MerphCATNIP!!!!

boxes and boxes

Yes, and this is me, a short while after the movers left. And yes, those are boxes, boxes and still more boxes! I confess, it’s been a year and some still aren’t unpacked.          

-LM 2016 / 2017

Mini Conversations: Life With People Who Are Nothing Like Me

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funny-dogs-bbq-hot-dogsI have a Housemate who has pretty much nothing in common with me. Same goes for his girlfriend who has her own apartment, but pretty much lives here. It’s not that I don’t like them but they aren’t easy to live with and they take up the whole space. This is one of the reasons we don’t keep a third housemate for long. Sometimes I think we could be a sitcom around here. “Comedy gold.” *cough*

Note: I refer to my Housemate as Hades, because he plays the game Smite as Hades, he leaves the thermostat all the way up constantly, and really, he is the roommate from Hell. I call his lady, The Girlfriend aka Princess Brattipantz, because that sums up exactly how she behaves and it makes me laugh.

Hades is BBQing. I’m in the kitchen making a salad and a long overdue pot of coffee! The Girlfriend is popping in and out of the kitchen and the living room where she has the TV blaring.

The Girlfriend:You don’t eat much meat do you?
Me: Nope. We don’t actually need meat, you know. I eat it in moderation.
Hades: *waving a hot dog in my face* I LOVE meat! It’s good for you!”
The Girlfriend: Don’t make too many hot dogs. You’re the only one eating them! They’re expensive!
Me: Hot dogs shouldn’t be expensive! They’re made of all the crap parts!
Hades: If I don’t eat them now I’ll heat them up later and they’ll be already grilled! Mmm!

The girlfriend is sitting on the couch watching, The Prancing Elites, a reality show about a gay male dance troupe from the south. She’s giggling at the pretty makeup on the boys and being sad when one has their house burned down.
The Girlfriend: They live in the south (insert frownie face emoticon)

This is a cut above the reality twaddle she usually watches.

The two of them are doing their usual Bickersons routine which is admittedly kind of cute! Either that or it’s just my stockholm syndrome kicking in.

Hades popping off with lines like:

“I DEFINITELY told you I will eat Mac n cheese or salad but I won’t eat both.”

“Woman!”

“Fine then! I’ll burn your piece of chicken!”

Oh those kids. They’re too much!

In the midst of prepping my own food, I’m following the hurricane that is Hades, around the kitchen, putting caps back on bottles, removing trash and recycling from the floor and counter, etc.

Hades comes in, opens a drawer that is right at shin level, pulls out the foil and walks away. A few minutes later I see the drawer is still open, foil on the table and Hades standing in the living room mouth agape at the pretty gay guys!

ME: So hey, this is my life of wonderment on a daily basis. I mean here you are, a big strong man but you don’t have the strength to close a drawer after you open it. Is it weak wrists or something?

Brattipantz laughs.
Hades comes into the kitchen to see what I’m talking about.

Hades: That wasn’t me!

Me: Dude! I just watched you open the drawer, pull the foil out and walk away. You should get a test for early onset Alzheimer’s!

Hades: Oh yeah.

Then he closes the drawer and goes back to watch tv.

This is why I live in my room. Sometimes I just don’t want to see it.

Conversations with THE KITTY: I Claim This for Catlandia!

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LiLi has been a little clingy since I came home:

I claim this lap

LiLi: I on your face!
Me: Mmmph hack. LiLi I’m trying to sleep, but not the big sleep, ok?
LiLi: I claim this lap for France!
Me: Not a good idea. Now, Mom needs to pee.
LiLi You walk here. I walk here.
Me: CAT! Aaargh!
LiLi: I lean against you now. Now I lean against this side! Your foot, it is my pillow! Now your knee, it is my pillow! No.Don’t get up! You are not allowed to get up!
Me: LiLi, I’m just going downstairs to get something to eat!
LiLi: Nooooooooo! I shred your pillow! Oh damn! You trimmed my claws!
Me: I’m just going downstairs! I’ll be back in 10 minutes!
LiLi: *checks watch*
Me: LiLi you don’t have a watch
LiLi: *grumpy face*
Me: See I’m back.
LiLi: This is most inadequate
Me: Here. You can sit on my lap
LiLi: Don’t want your lap.
Me: Fine: I’m going downstairs and cleaning some of Hades’ mess so I can have room to make tea.
LiLi: Unacceptable! When you come back I put my butt in your tea!
Me: *sigh*
*returns with tea*
LiLi: You walk here. I WALK HERE!
Me: Dammit this is hot tea!
LiLi: FEAR ME!
Me: Ok. LiLi. I fear you. Can I just sit down and make this cup….
LiLi: I put my butt in your tea cup.
Me: *Narrowly saves teacup from cat ass incursion*
( Hey, putting THAT on my band name list for sure!)
LiLi: LOVE ME!
Me: LiLi! Come on. Just let me get settled.
LiLi : I claim these legs for Catlandia!
*plop* *chirp*
Me: My leg is asleep. Mooooove
LiLi: My Butt it is on you!

Another Friday night over before it’s begun!

Conversations With THE KITTY: How Could you leave me?

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you'll never leave me*Often I am able to take my cat with me when I have house-sitting assignments but recently she had to endure several weeks of her human coming home to feed and care for her and then leaving again. When I came home to stay she was beside herself. She purred for days on end and had to be on me or next to me at all times.

 I come into the house after my housemate and I do the big car shuffle. Just inside the door I hear LiLi all the way from upstairs!

LiLi: Mom? Mom! Mom!
ME: I’m coming.
LiLi: Now! Hurry up!
ME: I’m coming. Hang on.
LiLi: Not fast enough! Moooooom!
ME: Gimme a minute. Mom has to use the litter box for humans!
LiLi: Nooooooooow!
ME: Damn! The Girlfriend is in there. Ok. You first.
LiLi: Open the damn door already! I WANT MOM!

*Entering the room cat and human run into each other’s arms in slow motion, which means what actually happened is I plop down on the bed and LiLi puts her butt in my face*

LiLi: Pppppppuuuuuuuuuuur! I put my butt in your face!
Me: Yeah. Mommy missed you too!
LiLi: PPPPPUUUUUUUURRRRR: I crash my head into your boobs now!
Me: Well, I’ll just rub your ears, Ok?
LiLi: You will never leave me again!
Me: I wish I could promise that Merph!
LiLi: You made me drool with happiness! Rub my belly!
Me: I hate to interrupt the love fest Lounge Monkey San, buy I need to pee and bring in my groceries from the car!
LiLi: No! I sit on you now!
Me: I’ll be back, really. Look! I let Hades block Stacey the car in! I can’t go anywhere!
LiLi: Merrrrr This is most inadequate.
Me: Merph. Mom has to do stuff. You have to deal.
LiLi: You do not fear me adequately.
Me: *sigh* I fear you. I have tremendous fear of you, Ok? Can I get my groceries now?
LiLi: Most inadequate. When you return I shall put my butt on you. You will be ex-purr-minated!

expurrminatemy dalek likes to hide in boxes

An aFIRmative thread About Christmas Trees

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What inspired this little pun fest: Up in Northern California, I saw nice 5′ trees for sale for $20, way less than the Bay Area that’s for certain. My housemates won’t go for a Christmas tree and I’ll be traveling most of the month anyway, but I sure wished I could have brought one home! Even though this is not about food, I think that Hannah Hart and Mamrie Hart who are certainly Pun Champions would get a big kick out of this!

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ME: Christmas trees are inexpensive here. It makes.me wish I did have a little apartment up in this area. I am.sort of PINE-ing for it.

D.HPunny!

ME:  Oh  you just couldn’t resist needling me could you? You gotta love seasonal hilari-tree

D.H.: Lol!!!!

D.S.: I’m so board of wooden jokes like this. Can’t you all just leaf well enough alone?

ME:  Sorry, I conifer not to. Sometimes my sense of humor needs to branch out a bit.

D.S.: Aw heck, Lorelei, you’re no sap – I was just needling you a bit.

Conversations With Depression (But, there are cute kitties)

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Me: Uh oh. Didn’t see you come in.

Depression: Yup! I’m sneaky that way.

Me: But, the sun is out!

Depression: And your point? 

Me: There are really cute kittens!

Depression: I am pretty much immune to kittens, baby chicks and daffodils. You’re going to have to try harder.

Me: But it’s hard to make any kind of effort, ’cause I’m depressed now.

Depression: Gotcha!

Later that afternoon……..

Me: (glances out corner of eye) Oh, you still there? 

Depression: Yup!

Me: Do I detect a smirk? 

Depression: Well, I do take a certain amount of satisfaction in my job.

Me: (muttering) Asshat!

Depression: What was that? 

Me: (sigh) Nothing. I’m going to make that coffee I thought about making 3 hours ago.

Depression: No, you’re not.

Me: Fine then. I’ll just take a nice warm shower. 

Depression: No. That’ll take too much energy. 

Me: Well, I played with the kitty. That was fun. I could do it again.

Depression: The kitty is sleeping. Why don’t you call someone? People said you could call them! 

Me: I don’t want to bother anybody.

Depression: (laughing) Oh man, this is too easy!

Me: Shut your pie hole, Depression! Can’t you see I’m trying to grieve here? Is this the kind of crap you pulled on my brother? I wish he’d just pounded your ass! Now I’m mad!

Depression: Are you? 

Me: What? 

Depression: Mad? 

Me: Yes. No. I’m too depressed. (sigh) Maybe I should eat something now.

Depression: Nice try, but no.

Me: I could read a book.

Depression: Good luck concentrating. (pointing at book on nightstand) You’re still on chapter two of THAT easy read. It’s been what? A week now? 

Depression: Hey, I know. Why don’t you call your ex, the one you’re terminally sweet on, but who needs to just be friends right now, because; stuff? He always makes you feel better anyway. Oh wait, (smirking) he’s busy on Sundays. 

Me: (making series of obscene gesture at Depression which totally wears me out and I crumple) Maybe I will call someone! I want company! 

Depression: Do you?

Me: Yeah! No. Wait. I don’t know. I think, I want to be alone. 

Depression: Maybe you should just go to bed.

Me: I’m already in bed. I’ve been here all day!

Depression: Exactly!

Me: (sniffles)

Depression: Oh, I’m good.

More naps, sobs and social networking posts of despair and a few hours later……

Depression: Stop it.

Me: Stop what?

Depression: Stop writing down our conversations and posting them on the internet! 

Me: Why, Depression? Because you don’t want me to do anything? You just want me to stay curled up here in my pajamas, uncaffeinated, sort of hungry, sort of lonely, sort of not lonely and unwashed? 

Depression: Well yes. But that’s not the point.

Me: (glaring) And the point would be?

Depression: You’re embarrassing yourself. Do you really want people to know how depressed you are? It’s shameful!

Me: Honey, that ship sailed a long time ago. And no, I don’t care. I’m not ashamed of myself! I’m an open book. This is how I roll.

Depression: People will think you’re crazy talking to an emotional construct. After all, I could be considered a form of mental illness.

Me: (yawning. I continue typing) Whatever.I’m depressed. Why should I care what people think of me? Besides, everybody gets depressed sometimes.

Depression: Okay. Okay. What if I ease up and let you eat something?

Me: I don’t need your permission. I ate a muffin, a muffin with copious amounts of butter a few hours ago, remember? 

Depression: Dude! You are making me look bad, ok? People are supposed to be paralyzed by the site of me. I’m a big, scary, soul crushing mood inhibitor! Frankly, you are making me sound kind of harmless.

Me: Aw. That sounds depressing! Bet you’re not feeling like doing much right now either, are you Depression?

Depression: Come to think of it, I’m feeling a little peckish.

Me: You do that. And by that, I mean nothing. Just go be a little lump, will you?  I’m going to eat something and sit in the hot tub maybe.

Depression: Gaaah!

LM-2014