Balls!

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My inner 12 year old enjoys the abundance of balls in the kitchen right now. My roomie’s mom likes to send him things like huge tins of almond rocha and boxes of Ferrero Rocher candy, the chocolate hazelnut balls wrapped in gold foil. This leads to lots of jokes about holding my roommate’s balls, eating his balls, enjoying them and so forth. (Hey now, note the disclaimer of inner immaturity above)

ferrero rocher.jpg

A few nights ago I was making some sort of rice and leftover mystery bean soup/chili I found in the freezer thing. As I’m working my magic, I pop a chocolate ball in my mouth. Yum! Well, my roommate also usually keeps bags of meatballs in the freezer…… you can see where this is headed, right?

J: (Walks in, opens freezer) You know, you can add some of these if you want.
Me: Oh my god! What do you want me to do with these? I’ve already got one of your balls in my mouth right now!
J: (Snorts) Just put them in the toaster oven.
Me: ALL OF THEM?
J: Sure. That would be good.
Me: How long do you want them in for? The package says 30 minutes.
J: They’re already cooked.
Me: So you want me to try warming your balls for what, 20 minutes?
J: That sounds good.
Me: That’s what HE said!

Never gets old!

ballsdinner

Anyway, dinner was quite tasty mmmm. We enjoyed my roommate’s tasty balls!

It seems like balls were just everywhere this week. The next day, I had boba tea and sucked a lot of balls, gelatinous but firm, into my mouth.

Then this happened:

I was just minding my own business watching season Two of,  Sneaky Pete on Amazon, when the internet glitched for a moment.

The scene: Giovanni Ribisi stepping out of the shower and when surprised, he quickly covers his naughty bits. Then he removes his hands and….

Frozen, full frontal.

Um…..For a moment, I feel like a perv, but then I think of all the opportunities men have taken to freeze (in the old days) VHS tapes of Jamie Lee Curtis (and other actresses) nude in films and now just do screen grabs and somehow 10 seconds of staring at naked man junk attached to a nice bod (which may or may not actually be Giovanni Ribisi’s) doesn’t feel so gratuitous.

Um. Thanks Comcast, Amazon, Internet fairies…I guess?

Balls. Everything full circle.

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Mini Conversations: Life With People Who Are Nothing Like Me

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funny-dogs-bbq-hot-dogsI have a Housemate who has pretty much nothing in common with me. Same goes for his girlfriend who has her own apartment, but pretty much lives here. It’s not that I don’t like them but they aren’t easy to live with and they take up the whole space. This is one of the reasons we don’t keep a third housemate for long. Sometimes I think we could be a sitcom around here. “Comedy gold.” *cough*

Note: I refer to my Housemate as Hades, because he plays the game Smite as Hades, he leaves the thermostat all the way up constantly, and really, he is the roommate from Hell. I call his lady, The Girlfriend aka Princess Brattipantz, because that sums up exactly how she behaves and it makes me laugh.

Hades is BBQing. I’m in the kitchen making a salad and a long overdue pot of coffee! The Girlfriend is popping in and out of the kitchen and the living room where she has the TV blaring.

The Girlfriend:You don’t eat much meat do you?
Me: Nope. We don’t actually need meat, you know. I eat it in moderation.
Hades: *waving a hot dog in my face* I LOVE meat! It’s good for you!”
The Girlfriend: Don’t make too many hot dogs. You’re the only one eating them! They’re expensive!
Me: Hot dogs shouldn’t be expensive! They’re made of all the crap parts!
Hades: If I don’t eat them now I’ll heat them up later and they’ll be already grilled! Mmm!

The girlfriend is sitting on the couch watching, The Prancing Elites, a reality show about a gay male dance troupe from the south. She’s giggling at the pretty makeup on the boys and being sad when one has their house burned down.
The Girlfriend: They live in the south (insert frownie face emoticon)

This is a cut above the reality twaddle she usually watches.

The two of them are doing their usual Bickersons routine which is admittedly kind of cute! Either that or it’s just my stockholm syndrome kicking in.

Hades popping off with lines like:

“I DEFINITELY told you I will eat Mac n cheese or salad but I won’t eat both.”

“Woman!”

“Fine then! I’ll burn your piece of chicken!”

Oh those kids. They’re too much!

In the midst of prepping my own food, I’m following the hurricane that is Hades, around the kitchen, putting caps back on bottles, removing trash and recycling from the floor and counter, etc.

Hades comes in, opens a drawer that is right at shin level, pulls out the foil and walks away. A few minutes later I see the drawer is still open, foil on the table and Hades standing in the living room mouth agape at the pretty gay guys!

ME: So hey, this is my life of wonderment on a daily basis. I mean here you are, a big strong man but you don’t have the strength to close a drawer after you open it. Is it weak wrists or something?

Brattipantz laughs.
Hades comes into the kitchen to see what I’m talking about.

Hades: That wasn’t me!

Me: Dude! I just watched you open the drawer, pull the foil out and walk away. You should get a test for early onset Alzheimer’s!

Hades: Oh yeah.

Then he closes the drawer and goes back to watch tv.

This is why I live in my room. Sometimes I just don’t want to see it.