Moon Musing

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*Ok. For this one I was being silly and maybe a little clever, but the moon really was that bright. I wish my cell phone didn’t have so much trouble with light sources.

moon

The moon cut in half, yet ever so bright
Illuminates earth and sky tonight
My lens overwhelmed, a star of it makes
It hurts my eyes to take in its full light

I wish I may I wish I might
I am quite puzzled by the sight
I muse a query into the void
I wonder did the moon decide

In a silvery solar masquerade to delight
Or is the sun playing tricks, shining at night
Dimming down to play the moon
Exchanging its golden glow for white

-LM 2015 – 2018

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Held Together

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held together

 

HELD TOGETHER

Part of me is every bit the strong, talented, confident
And together woman you see before you
Another part is ribbons, tatters
Slowly healing scars.

Outside, I am smooth as the inside of an unfurled leaf
Within; shaken, but determined.
My veneer is finely crafted
An artful assemblage of unassailable quality

The frame beneath is cobbled together
With bits of duct tape and chewing gum
But ultimately bound by  love
With its ever flexing strength

How are you held together?

Does the illusion of your armor shine under the scrutiny of the sun?
What battered rust hides beneath your bold, collapsing brightness?

Let’s be honest
Isn’t this the way of all human beings?
One part walking wounded we are afraid the world will see
One part we put forward that is both real and mask

Sometimes even we forget the difference

Inferno

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inferno

 

INFERNO

Where did all this anger come from
What chasm burst to let it all run spilling forth
Who fed this fire to such a state of raging conflagration
That rain drops scorch and steam upon the earth

Who loosed this red horse spiked for battle
To trample the most tender heart beneath his hooves
What child has cried in pain to fuel this unhindered devastation
While stony backs remained unturned unmoved

Burn it down
Burn it all down to the black
Let the night share the dark with more than stars
Let the moonlight shine along the rivened scars

But let each lash out bring something back
Let each death bring something new
Let each wound be a furrow for a seed
Let bleed what needs to bleed

-LM 2104 – 2018

 

 

A Declaration

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This is a piece I keep coming back to year after year, changing and adding to. I’m getting to the point where I kind of like it now, but who knows, next year I may pick at it again.

Sorry, it’s quite a bit late for the old V.D. I thought I had posted it, but alas, it got stuck in the drafts box.

A DECLARATION

I love you all

Well, okay
Not every single one of you
But….uh you know.

Most of you
Let’s just say
The lion’s share
And leave it at that

Or not

There’s a wee handful of folks that
While I wouldn’t leave them to die in the street
Or throw them into a woodchipper if no one was looking
I might wish for a moment that
I could
Lack compassion and……

But it’s just as well
They are stuck with themselves
What worse punishment could I wish upon them?

So for them,
I will work to give compassion
But not love
Because they aren’t wired that way anyway
And they wouldn’t have the first idea
What to do with love if it curled up in their lap
And started making biscuits

Those born or becoming
Shortly thereafter
Incapable of feeling love
Or empathy
Remorse or gratitude
Mimics
Kabuki Theater played out
In the shallow end of the pool

And while that makes me sad
And sometimes afraid
I won’t waste my love on narcissists
Or psychopaths
Empty children
With incessant appetites

But to the rest of you
I do
Enthusiastically
Give my devotion

I love you all
Even if we haven’t met

Dreamers
Believers
Adventurers

Your bright balloons setting out across the sky

In contrast
The timid
The hopeless

Lovers of falling leaves and moonlit snow

The tender nurturers
The truth seekers
Champions
And guardians

Earthbound angels
Falling through the cracks
Wanderers at will

I can see that not all tricksters are wicked
I can see that mourners are not always sorrowful
I believe that almost all are redeemable

I
Love
You
All

Truly
What’s not to love?

Even if you doubt
Your worth
Challenge me
I will find it

-LM 2015 /2016/2018

Abandoned Ship

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abandoned ship

 

ABANDONED SHIP

I’m not as hollow as I feel
My abandoned shell just off your sandy shore
You mock me with a gentle breeze

Whistling through my rusting plates
Leaving me covetous for the sound
Of life and laughter

Dreams unrequited, memories escape
The integrity of my bones slowly gives way
Falling in upon myself

Emptiness echoes through and down
Lonely passageways once full of light
Becoming a flood of sleeping shadows

A bird occasionally lights
Upon my deck in an animated flurry
To mock me trapped as I am

You wrecked me here
But you won’t take responsibility
Acknowledge all the songs you’ve silenced

And while I slip with time, into the sea
You are within my sight
But too far from the scope of my grasp

Are you afraid
If you took a step closer
My fury would rise up like a wave

Might pull you under with me
And push your bones up to the surface
Exposed, your carcass on parade

You trepidate, the thought of your insides
Stretched out, like some side show fake
Gelatinous sea monster who has lost his venomous sting

Perhaps the enjoyment of the taunt
Has outweighed your concerns
All of your doubts in their nest, little chickens

Clucking to themselves, oblivious
While you play the fox
Sniffing hungrily at the door of your own henhouse

More likely, you are as always
Ambivalent
You don’t know what you want

There is no satisfying conclusion
Standing in the sun, while you feign sitting in the shade
You are not Switzerland when you have an agenda

You can’t decide what leaves you shining
To sink me, to leave me or to try save me
So you just stand there staring from the shore

Gawking at my spreading rust
All my insides floating like an algae bloom
Turning into a suffocating blanket of red

Declaring that you’re helpless
All you can do is look away now
Let things decompose as they do naturally when left alone

LM 2014 – 2018

* A note:

I stumbled across this unfinished piece about a month ago. It’s been sitting open on my desktop begging to be finished. You may notice it has a poem within the poem. That was difficult to hammer out, but sometimes even a free verse poet likes to toy with structure. I actually began this poem several years ago when I was still working through my breakup with The Josh. It was not primarily about him, in fact it was inspired by the photo of a shipwreck.
This is one of those things, that in the old days, I would have posted on Facebook and there would suddenly be a flurry of angry badgers accusing me of it being about something or someone, that it was not. It generally encompasses our experiences of abusive narcissists behavior; spreading destruction and chaos then refusing to take any responsibility and ultimately only being concerned about their image and their needs. This is something many people identify with. It didn’t have to be specific, but I admit, it is ironic and timely. It just isn’t purposefully related to things coming to light, right now that I will probably write about in my personal blog posts.

 

 

 

Inevitable

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Inevitable

If you happen to be walking around your apartment
In clean socks
The odds are high
That you will unwittingly step
On the only
Three square inches
Of carpet
That have been baptized in cat vomit

And there you will stand
For a moment
Stricken and forlorn
One sock dry
Soft and warm
As an oven fresh bun

While the other
Sends a shock
Of cold misery
Slime seeps through
Coating your skin
And you’re twelve, touching fish guts

You will be too tired
To force
An appropriate curse
Past your lips.
But you will probably sigh

Resigned
And repelled
remembering fish guts
Or comparable grossness
With a vague nostalgic cringe

You will slip off your socks
And toss them
In the laundry bag
On your way
To grab a paper towel

And you will wish that cat
Could hand you
A chilled gin martini
Smooth and wet
And with none of the misery

Instead
She will chirp and rub
Against your legs
Like you’re the best thing
That’s happened to her all day

You will sigh
You will scratch her head
Take the paper towel
Scrub the vile spot until
It’s as dry as your one clean sock

Then
You will take
Your roommate’s shirt
And drape it
Over the empty cubby
She can’t resist

Her little nose will poke out
Past the curtain you made

And even though your toes
Are ice cubes
You will melt
From head to foot
Like butter in a hot pan
And forget all about socks

It wasn’t my fault…..line; oh yeah, it was!

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2018-01-27_12.54.32In which Captain Merphlepoof sleeps through an earthquake, Lorelei spends half this blog naked, there is some unnecessary meanness, but Nurse Practitioner’s Rule and so do Social Workers!

Sometimes insomnia is a blessing. On January fourth, 2018, while early-to-bedders were startled awake in the dark by the earth shaking their beds, I had all my lights on and was wide awake for the roll. My cat slept through it though. She is getting old after all. She used to be a very efficient early warning system. It wasn’t a huge quake, though it felt further up the scale than it actually was since this time it was close. It was also long and loud, I watched my furniture sway while my bed, my solid redwood bed, shook for about 20 seconds. If it hadn’t been deep, I suspect there would have been damage. The worst part for someone with C.P.T.S.D. is the sound. It was loud. It roared and grumbled. Inside the apartment, it sounded like things were breaking, but nothing was damaged. If it had been less of a roller and more of a throwing things up and down, that might have been different!

Because I was awake and had my lights on, I was impressed, but fairly unconcerned. I had exited the shower only about ten minutes earlier, another lucky break, and was sprawled on my bed naked. When the walls started to groan, I should have jumped up and thrown something on, but as the earth’s crust rolled to a stop, I sat still waiting to see if it was going to start up again. It felt like a pre-shock. I’ve been there before. And as I sat there in all my vulnerable glory, my Kindle started to ping as the flood of Facebook posts came in: Earthquake? Did you feel that? EARTHQUAKE!! That had to have been at least a 5! And soon the magnitude and location started being posted, and then the adjusted magnitude of 4.4.

26172839_10209870398387818_3866016165342914805_oTwenty minutes later, I was still au natural, one eye on Facebook, the other on my tall shelves, in case they started to sway again, ears perked for stony growls. It crossed my mind that perhaps a good aftershock was needed, at least to motivate me to put pajamas on. It would have served me right if I had had to run out in the hallway, but lucky for the neighbors, I didn’t. Merph was still sleeping soundly. Finally, she awoke and stretched with a chirp.

People were posting about their dogs freaking out. Merph yawns and says, “Meeeer Ma Meh” which translates to, “Pfft. Dogs. Such cowards! I do not bother to wake up for less than a 5.5. Pet me.” 

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I was still getting notifications about the earthquake an hour later. I’m still awake, because I would be anyway, but I now had an extra layer of anxiety.

The feed is homogeneous, except for one stray housing listing.

My feed looked like this:

“earthquake earthquake earthquake earthquake earthquake earthquake earthquake earthquake earthquake earthquake earthquake earthquake earthquake earthquake earthquake earthquake earthquake earthquake earthquake earthquake earthquake earthquake earthquake earthquake earthquake earthquake earthquake earthquake earthquake earthquake earthquake earthquake earthquake earthquake earthquake earthquake earthquake earthquake earthquake earthquake earthquake earthquake earthquake earthquake earthquake earthquake earthquake earthquake earthquake earthquake earthquake earthquake earthquake earthquake earthquake earthquake” LOOK! This is very EXCITING! It’s a HOUSING POST at a rate I CAN AFFORD!

The earthquake was in Berkeley. Someone in Berkeley is NOT posting about the earthquake. WTF?  Oh, BUT WAIT! The WTF’s don’t stop there!
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