A Declaration

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This is a piece I keep coming back to year after year, changing and adding to. I’m getting to the point where I kind of like it now, but who knows, next year I may pick at it again.

Sorry, it’s quite a bit late for the old V.D. I thought I had posted it, but alas, it got stuck in the drafts box.

A DECLARATION

I love you all

Well, okay
Not every single one of you
But….uh you know.

Most of you
Let’s just say
The lion’s share
And leave it at that

Or not

There’s a wee handful of folks that
While I wouldn’t leave them to die in the street
Or throw them into a woodchipper if no one was looking
I might wish for a moment that
I could
Lack compassion and……

But it’s just as well
They are stuck with themselves
What worse punishment could I wish upon them?

So for them,
I will work to give compassion
But not love
Because they aren’t wired that way anyway
And they wouldn’t have the first idea
What to do with love if it curled up in their lap
And started making biscuits

Those born or becoming
Shortly thereafter
Incapable of feeling love
Or empathy
Remorse or gratitude
Mimics
Kabuki Theater played out
In the shallow end of the pool

And while that makes me sad
And sometimes afraid
I won’t waste my love on narcissists
Or psychopaths
Empty children
With incessant appetites

But to the rest of you
I do
Enthusiastically
Give my devotion

I love you all
Even if we haven’t met

Dreamers
Believers
Adventurers

Your bright balloons setting out across the sky

In contrast
The timid
The hopeless

Lovers of falling leaves and moonlit snow

The tender nurturers
The truth seekers
Champions
And guardians

Earthbound angels
Falling through the cracks
Wanderers at will

I can see that not all tricksters are wicked
I can see that mourners are not always sorrowful
I believe that almost all are redeemable

I
Love
You
All

Truly
What’s not to love?

Even if you doubt
Your worth
Challenge me
I will find it

-LM 2015 /2016/2018

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It wasn’t my fault…..line; oh yeah, it was!

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2018-01-27_12.54.32In which Captain Merphlepoof sleeps through an earthquake, Lorelei spends half this blog naked, there is some unnecessary meanness, but Nurse Practitioner’s Rule and so do Social Workers!

Sometimes insomnia is a blessing. On January fourth, 2018, while early-to-bedders were startled awake in the dark by the earth shaking their beds, I had all my lights on and was wide awake for the roll. My cat slept through it though. She is getting old after all. She used to be a very efficient early warning system. It wasn’t a huge quake, though it felt further up the scale than it actually was since this time it was close. It was also long and loud, I watched my furniture sway while my bed, my solid redwood bed, shook for about 20 seconds. If it hadn’t been deep, I suspect there would have been damage. The worst part for someone with C.P.T.S.D. is the sound. It was loud. It roared and grumbled. Inside the apartment, it sounded like things were breaking, but nothing was damaged. If it had been less of a roller and more of a throwing things up and down, that might have been different!

Because I was awake and had my lights on, I was impressed, but fairly unconcerned. I had exited the shower only about ten minutes earlier, another lucky break, and was sprawled on my bed naked. When the walls started to groan, I should have jumped up and thrown something on, but as the earth’s crust rolled to a stop, I sat still waiting to see if it was going to start up again. It felt like a pre-shock. I’ve been there before. And as I sat there in all my vulnerable glory, my Kindle started to ping as the flood of Facebook posts came in: Earthquake? Did you feel that? EARTHQUAKE!! That had to have been at least a 5! And soon the magnitude and location started being posted, and then the adjusted magnitude of 4.4.

26172839_10209870398387818_3866016165342914805_oTwenty minutes later, I was still au natural, one eye on Facebook, the other on my tall shelves, in case they started to sway again, ears perked for stony growls. It crossed my mind that perhaps a good aftershock was needed, at least to motivate me to put pajamas on. It would have served me right if I had had to run out in the hallway, but lucky for the neighbors, I didn’t. Merph was still sleeping soundly. Finally, she awoke and stretched with a chirp.

People were posting about their dogs freaking out. Merph yawns and says, “Meeeer Ma Meh” which translates to, “Pfft. Dogs. Such cowards! I do not bother to wake up for less than a 5.5. Pet me.” 

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I was still getting notifications about the earthquake an hour later. I’m still awake, because I would be anyway, but I now had an extra layer of anxiety.

The feed is homogeneous, except for one stray housing listing.

My feed looked like this:

“earthquake earthquake earthquake earthquake earthquake earthquake earthquake earthquake earthquake earthquake earthquake earthquake earthquake earthquake earthquake earthquake earthquake earthquake earthquake earthquake earthquake earthquake earthquake earthquake earthquake earthquake earthquake earthquake earthquake earthquake earthquake earthquake earthquake earthquake earthquake earthquake earthquake earthquake earthquake earthquake earthquake earthquake earthquake earthquake earthquake earthquake earthquake earthquake earthquake earthquake earthquake earthquake earthquake earthquake earthquake earthquake” LOOK! This is very EXCITING! It’s a HOUSING POST at a rate I CAN AFFORD!

The earthquake was in Berkeley. Someone in Berkeley is NOT posting about the earthquake. WTF?  Oh, BUT WAIT! The WTF’s don’t stop there!
Continue reading

Patient

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Have you ever been drawn in by someone who can’t come close but continuously haunts you with vague possibilities? If you ever tried to coax a feral kitten or a stray dog who’s forgotten how to trust to let you help them, this is the feeling. Or maybe a person you aren’t really sure that you can trust or not, but you want to let down your guard anyway. It’s infuriating, but you have to do it on their terms. They are asking you to be patient. How do you meet these terms without losing yourself? How do you know if you’re just having your chain yanked or feeding someone’s need to control. How patient should you be before walking away?

PATIENT

I follow you, will o’ the wisp
Never quite in my sight
Always and forever teasing
So far out of reach
And yet close enough to touch

You dance and bob
You disappear
And no matter how
I squeeze my eyes
I cannot bring you into focus

An illusion
Vexation
Surely Leading me
Into the depths of a swamp
That I may never find my way out of

A ghost with a sense of humor
A timid child
A wily coyote
The yowling cat perched on my shoulder
Riddle me this

And float away
Into the cradle of darkness
And discordant harmony
Cactus spines
Hiding tender fruit and sweet water

Blind and dazed
Unsure of where to put my shoes
Am I standing on anything
Finding a beginning
How am I not falling

I wait
Patient and impatient
Squinting and scrying
For a better glimpse
A wit of understanding

All the rules I so carefully
Built up to pad
My vulnerabilities
Now broken into dust
Sufficiently pulverized

I lay down my arrows
My sword, my armor
My will, my confidence
My every common sense
I lay down

Perhaps for naught
I wait
Patient and impatient
Plain and simple
Because you asked me to

And even in your silence
In your darkness
In your preoccupation
I leave a door ajar
A window cracked for you

A light in the parlor
Something warm in the oven
An extra blanket at the foot of my bed
These things wait
Not impatient; patient

I follow you, will o’ the wisp
Never quite in my sight
Always and forever teasing
So far out of reach
And yet close enough to touch

While I squeeze my eyes
And try to make you out
Bobbing and dancing
Willing to get lost
Without losing myself

Because once you asked
Me to be patient

-LM 2015
First Fragmeant of 2015
Happy New Year all!
And in keeping with my goal to be brave write music anyway in hopes that I will find a collaborator who can write music with me, here is my literally, go for it, off the cuff, middle of the night, oh hell this is the melody that came to me for now: https://soundcloud.com/lorelei-moon/patient-1

I really hate to sing most things A Capella and this kitchen is super echoy, but there it is!