I Howl At The Moon

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fenrir eating the moon
I howl at the moon and I’m howling at you
I’m wearing the rain and I’m wrapped up in night
Oh I’m singing for stars that are hiding their light
I’m keeping it down and I’m seeing it through

I’m wielding a flame that is flickering white
Burning me deep, every breath is a bite
Feel the heat through miles, I know you do
A need, like a notion, a blue-black devotion so true

I won’t need to tell you, you already knew
I howl at the moon and I’m howling at you

I dig in the dirt and I’m digging for you
Prying under the stones ’til I’m covered in moss
Oh I’m singing to creatures that are born at a loss
I’m keeping it down and I’m seeing it through

I‘m lost in a crystal that glows with each thought
Dazzling me, every movement a fight
Feel the depths that I’m stuck in, I know you do
Taking root, lost to motion,  muddy devotion, like glue

I won’t need to tell you, you already knew
I dig in the dirt and I’m digging for you

I reach for the stars and I’m reaching for you
I’m holding the void and I’m coated in rust
I’m growling for lost bloom and holding my lust
I’m keeping it down and I’m seeing it through

I’m dowsing for water that is gossamer blue
Washing me clean, every drop is my truth
Feel like drowning again, I know you do
A drop like an ocean, a sea green devotion so true

I won’t need to tell you, you already knew
I reach for the stars and I’m reaching for you

I danced in the flames and I’m dancing from you
I’m burning alive and I’m crowned in the bright
Oh I’m singeing my feathers but not giving up flight
I’m keeping it down and I’m seeing it through

I’m clutching an ember that will not go out
And I am transforming, each cell, every bone
Feel the heat through miles, I know you do
Releasing a note,  piercing clearly and true

I won’t need to tell you, you already knew
I danced in the flames and I’m dancing from you

LM 2013 – 2018

* I picked this up again after forgetting about it. Who knows, it may still not be finished.
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Thoughts on Loneliness

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I’m not lonely. I just feel lonely in this moment.

lonliness in the moment

Why are we humans so afraid of being alone?
Why do we perceive loneliness as an undesirable thing?
Why is the act of taking or being given a moment of solitude where our hands, eyes, mouth, mind and heart aren’t busy so disconcerting?
Why is an uncomfortable feeling automatically viewed as negative or detrimental by so many of us?

Loneliness in the moment is a good thing. A moment passes.
The loneliness reminds us of our desires, our needs.
It allows us to feel grateful for moments that are shared, moments that are full.
It guides us, gives us perspective.
Loneliness is contemplation.
Loneliness has been the fuel for periods of productivity, personal growth and great art.
When loneliness is shared through art, we all can identify with it because loneliness is a universally shared feeling. Experiencing loneliness is a big part of what it is to be human. It drives our desire to reach out.

Loneliness is what we choose make of it. We can embrace it and put it to good use or we can spiral down into it until we are lost!

I recently saw an article that conflated the correlation between loneliness and shorter life span to not having a love relationship and shorter lifespan. It completely missed how many people in relationships are heartbreakingly lonely. I am not involved in a  romantic relationship at the moment. Sure, there is part of me that would like to be, and oh do I miss sex which for me needs meaningful connection if I’m going to enjoy it, but the realities of the situation are that I do not get out much to meet people, online dating is an additional layer of hell for people my age.  I would rather hold out for someone who actually sees me for the amazing person I am with all my flaws and all of my glories and will treat me with respect and be able to feel the same about a partner than settle simply because I do not want to be alone. I have wasted a lot of time putting up with partners dumping abuse and baggage on me, I think it’s reasonable to prefer being single to doing that again.

But none of this means I am fully alone or that 24/7 loneliness is a given. Yes, I am lonely, but it is usually fleeting. There is so much that is not lonely about my life. My loneliness is not hollow, it is rich and present. I have learned to see it as a gift.

Disclaimer: This does not mean I have stopped hoping for a Scottish husband (or lady). You’ll have to pull this fantasy from my cold dead hands. *Those who know me are aware of my lifelong desire to visit and move to Scotland. There is also a running theory that the reason I have not found my true love is that they live in Scotland and I, alas am stuck here.

A Declaration

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This is a piece I keep coming back to year after year, changing and adding to. I’m getting to the point where I kind of like it now, but who knows, next year I may pick at it again.

Sorry, it’s quite a bit late for the old V.D. I thought I had posted it, but alas, it got stuck in the drafts box.

A DECLARATION

I love you all

Well, okay
Not every single one of you
But….uh you know.

Most of you
Let’s just say
The lion’s share
And leave it at that

Or not

There’s a wee handful of folks that
While I wouldn’t leave them to die in the street
Or throw them into a woodchipper if no one was looking
I might wish for a moment that
I could
Lack compassion and……

But it’s just as well
They are stuck with themselves
What worse punishment could I wish upon them?

So for them,
I will work to give compassion
But not love
Because they aren’t wired that way anyway
And they wouldn’t have the first idea
What to do with love if it curled up in their lap
And started making biscuits

Those born or becoming
Shortly thereafter
Incapable of feeling love
Or empathy
Remorse or gratitude
Mimics
Kabuki Theater played out
In the shallow end of the pool

And while that makes me sad
And sometimes afraid
I won’t waste my love on narcissists
Or psychopaths
Empty children
With incessant appetites

But to the rest of you
I do
Enthusiastically
Give my devotion

I love you all
Even if we haven’t met

Dreamers
Believers
Adventurers

Your bright balloons setting out across the sky

In contrast
The timid
The hopeless

Lovers of falling leaves and moonlit snow

The tender nurturers
The truth seekers
Champions
And guardians

Earthbound angels
Falling through the cracks
Wanderers at will

I can see that not all tricksters are wicked
I can see that mourners are not always sorrowful
I believe that almost all are redeemable

I
Love
You
All

Truly
What’s not to love?

Even if you doubt
Your worth
Challenge me
I will find it

-LM 2015 /2016/2018

Azul

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There may be more to this someday, but I think I am pretty happy with just four lines.
Blue is generally something I associate more with happiness than depressions.

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AZULE

Are you blue?
The bluest sky I ever knew, and twice as true
I watch the galaxies go by spinning at your feet
I marvel when the stars bend down to kiss your cheek.
-LM

As Deep As The Sea

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Here’s a short poem I just unearthed that I wrote a few years ago.

As Deep As the Sea

It took some searching, but I believe the artist who did this is: Emerald De Leeuw

As Deep As The Sea

Dive into my eyes
As deep as the sea
If I promise not to drown you, will you come play with me?
I’ll teach you the dance
Put your hand ’round my back
I’ll share my pearls, luminous. I will give you the map
To all my hidden treasures
And all my sacred songs
If you want to, dive in, for I may not be here long

-LM 2013

Swamp Thing

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Here is another thing I never got around to posting here. The year my brother killed himself, I’ll admit to writing a lot of dark and brooding stuff. Dark and brooding stuff is kind of my jam anyway which is hard for some people to grok because they often characterize me as a funny person. I do laugh a LOT. There is a whole lot wrapped up in it and there are some spots that could use a little tweaking. I’m not really sure if it’s a song or a poem. Perhaps it’s both. If  you have ever had addicts in your life and loved them whether it’s a friend, family member or lover this may articulate a lot of feelings for you.

the swamp

SWAMP THING

Trudging through this swamp that you have made
Moss you’ve hung like tinsel, miles and miles of ghostly trees
A million buzzing stinging things and quicksand at my feet
I’ll concede I’m lost and I just don’t believe
That even you can find the way out anymore

I see the fear you’ve woven into this charade
I know it when you falter, see the sweat pool upon your oar
I know you hear me talking, still you pretend to ignore
Even if you sacrifice the prospects of your joy
You seem so damn determined to leave me here alone

When a song could have been your compass
Now the notes have all gone out
And it really doesn’t matter
You’ve made the air so thick and hot
So here we are sinking with your dreams
And everything is exactly what it seems

Wading through this mess that you have made
You’ve opened all your presents, did you get everything
You wanted, did it make up for all the years of needs
Pardon me, If I say you don’t look satisfied
Sometimes we don’t know what we really need or want

You’ve convinced yourself of what you don’t yet know
A state of endless discontent, to which you’ve attached my light
As if I am instead the darkness, absence of all that’s bright
Up my hands, I surrender and I forfeit
You have told yourself a story who am I to unravel it

When a song could have been your lighthouse
Now the words have all gone black
And it really doesn’t matter
You’ve made the code too hard to crack
So here we are sinking with your dreams
And everything is exactly what it seems

-LM 2014

Lost On You

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wasting-time-social-media

Lost On You

Sometimes I’m sure
All of my goodness is lost on you

You seem so much more comfortable
When I stick to your game
The one where we pretend
To poke our eyes out
Then spend all of our time rolling around in the mud
Until the mud obscures everything

It would be so much easier to stop telling you the truth
So, what would you like to hear today?

I am aware of all these months
Where so much time was spent and wasted
You seemed to enjoy reeling me in
With the sound of your voice
My patience and love have never been so sorely tested
And we failed the test that was US

It would be so much smarter to walk away
I try but I slip, I fall harder

You laid a carpet of fear
And you keep tugging at it
You want me to keep falling
Yet you want me to get up and walk away
It will never be a stable foundation no matter how you dress it up
But I want to try, I always want to try

It’s my nature
To hope and believe rain can fall from a cloudless sky and quench my thirst
I want to love, I always give you love
I think it’s my purpose
To hope and to know that every heart that’s been starved for love
Can be full and be free
Just as I would like us to be

I may dream, but I should know better
It is all lost on you

All of my goodness
All of the world’s goodness
Is lost on you, it’s lost to you
Because you enjoy the game
Of self deprecating, of saying you try to be a good person
When deep down you revel in being a shit

-LM 2013/2016*

*Since I haven’t been posting in some time I am combing through things I wrote and didn’t post and expanding on them a bit. This post was just a few lines in 2013. I’ve fleshed it out into a draft of a  full poem