My inner 12 year old enjoys the abundance of balls in the kitchen right now. My roomie’s mom likes to send him things like huge tins of almond rocha and boxes of Ferrero Rocher candy, the chocolate hazelnut balls wrapped in gold foil. This leads to lots of jokes about holding my roommate’s balls, eating his balls, enjoying them and so forth. (Hey now, note the disclaimer of inner immaturity above)

ferrero rocher.jpg

A few nights ago I was making some sort of rice and leftover mystery bean soup/chili I found in the freezer thing. As I’m working my magic, I pop a chocolate ball in my mouth. Yum! Well, my roommate also usually keeps bags of meatballs in the freezer…… you can see where this is headed, right?

J: (Walks in, opens freezer) You know, you can add some of these if you want.
Me: Oh my god! What do you want me to do with these? I’ve already got one of your balls in my mouth right now!
J: (Snorts) Just put them in the toaster oven.
J: Sure. That would be good.
Me: How long do you want them in for? The package says 30 minutes.
J: They’re already cooked.
Me: So you want me to try warming your balls for what, 20 minutes?
J: That sounds good.
Me: That’s what HE said!

Never gets old!


Anyway, dinner was quite tasty mmmm. We enjoyed my roommate’s tasty balls!

It seems like balls were just everywhere this week. The next day, I had boba tea and sucked a lot of balls, gelatinous but firm, into my mouth.

Then this happened:

I was just minding my own business watching season Two of,  Sneaky Pete on Amazon, when the internet glitched for a moment.

The scene: Giovanni Ribisi stepping out of the shower and when surprised, he quickly covers his naughty bits. Then he removes his hands and….

Frozen, full frontal.

Um…..For a moment, I feel like a perv, but then I think of all the opportunities men have taken to freeze (in the old days) VHS tapes of Jamie Lee Curtis (and other actresses) nude in films and now just do screen grabs and somehow 10 seconds of staring at naked man junk attached to a nice bod (which may or may not actually be Giovanni Ribisi’s) doesn’t feel so gratuitous.

Um. Thanks Comcast, Amazon, Internet fairies…I guess?

Balls. Everything full circle.




When you live with chronic pain the day doesn’t always turn out the way you planned. And when you have housemates that make you consider living with monkeys might be a more gentile experience, it becomes even more of a challenge. This is my life.


Sometimes I think monkeys must have been playing in my bathroom but no, it’s just 20 somethings

Waking up is a struggle. Getting up and on with what’s left of the day is a battle in which I am grossly outmatched. I am the tiny rag tag band of rebels shaking sticks  and the day has me outflanked on very side with Howitzers. The times I have slipped through enemy lines and made it to coffee and limited functionality this week have been few and worth celebrating!

Three hours after waking up the second time I have decided I have some semblance of consciousness and a wave of hungry discomfort takes over. I have to eat something or I will be sick.  Making my way downstairs isn’t  easy. My joints declare war with me and the second skirmish begins. I’m  a little dizzy. I know my stomach is empty but it feels like it has been stuffed with stones. The stairwell is washed in the orange gold glow of early evening.  Through one window I hear chirping birds and traffic. From the opposite side of the house the screams of happy children fill in for the full sweeping stereo effect of life I am missing.

It’s unclear yet if my housemate is home. The house itself is fairly quiet. This only means his girlfriend isn’t here. I peek outside and see his car but that doesn’t mean they aren’t together in hers. I pad into the foyer to check for mail then step into the living room empty handed. The expansive couch should be inviting but it’s littered with clothes. On the coffee table is an odd collection of some sort of sports bag, a CD, scraps of paper and a torn plastic  bag. From here I can see the kitchen table has a similar collection of oddities which includes motorcycle helmets. Hades is home after all. I hear his voice. He’s been holed up in his den playing Smite.

We enter the kitchen from opposite ends and each mumble a greeting. “Hello” “what’s up”

I indicate the mound of clean dishes, “Hey! Thanks for finally washing all those dishes!”

He grunts, “Don’t thank me, (the girlfriend) did them”

”Hooray! (The girlfriend)” I exclaim,”But that doesn’t explain the monkeys in the bathroom.”


“Oh I came in late last night then wondered what the hell had happened in the bathroom.”

“What do you mean?”

“ Well it was a bit more than the usual disaster zone with things strewn about!”

He grunts humorless and maybe a bit confused. Why do I keep forgetting that, “Decor De Tornado” is normal for him?

As I fumble to fill the tea kettle and place it on the stove I notice he has a stabilizing cast on his left forearm and wrist. Thinking back to the time he punched a hole in his own head board I am wondering if he had an anger episode. Dare I ask?

“Oh wow! How long have you had the cast? Is it broken or just a bad sprain?”

“It’s not broken/ I did it playing softball.”

As I watch Hades fumble with the cap of a soda bottle it crosses my mind that I haven’t ever noticed if he’s left or right handed.
I ask,  “Hey would you like to switch traditional gender roles for a moment ,and say” (I switch to a silly girly voice) “ would you open this for me?”

Hades manages a laugh, finally, “No that’s okay. I got it.”

Then he shambles off, his aura black and grimy, heading back to his video game, Note to self: Avoid injured housemate and his foul mood.

I pull my pretty red toaster from the niche, plug it in, fill the slots, push the lever down then turn to peruse the fridge. I’m not quite ready for last night’s leftovers and I’m definitely too wobbly and hungry to take the time to prepare something. On an upper shelf I spy a container of noodles and cheese that I put there several days ago after Hades left it  out to rot. I make an executive decision. I’m the one who saved it in the first place. If they haven’t touched it for four days they’re not going to. I’m eating it. I usually say something but given my housemate’s demeanor I will slip it into the microwave without a word. While I wait for things to come together I pull out a teapot and choose a bag of toasted rice tea. It’s a toasted rice kind of day!

I wonder how long Hades has been sporting the cast. It looks fairly new. I chuckle as I wonder if the mess upgrade in the loo was due to trying to keep his cast dry. I realize I should let him off the  hook for dishes and such until it comes off. I put the clean dishes away and decide to wash the dirty casserole dish that remains on the counter. I follow that by taking out the trash and recycling, returning to find the toast has popped and the microwave is  beeping so I scoop up the food and ferry my little repast upstairs to my room. I’ll come back for the tea.

Opening the door, I’m immediately confronted by a wall of stuffy air. I’ve always found it interesting how we don’t notice the smells of our environment until we leave them for a bit and come back. I remedy this by opening a window which lets inside the chorus of traffic sounds, children and also the whistle of  wind which I had not noticed before. My cat is meowing at me and I notice I am standing next to her empty bowl. I splash some fresh water in one bowl and scoop some kibble into the other and she adds  a steady, crunch, crunch, crunch to the compilation of sound.

I leave my food (I’m lucky to have a cat who is only interested in her own) and head back downstairs to collect my tea. The air from outside was chilly so I’ll put on a sweater when I come back up. Then I’ll nestle on the bed with my kitty, eat my “thieves’ pasta” and let my batteries charge a little. I need a few grocery items and the nearby store is open late, but it’s unlikely I’ll leave the house at all. I am having a typically difficult day. There are many days I make “to do” lists purely as an exercise. It’s likely tomorrow may be a repeat of today. I may have to be content with, I got up, I got dressed, I ate, I washed dishes and took out the trash, I collapsed. When you have a chronic condition plans are always going to be suggestions.

-LM 2015

Take It As It Comes


TheCottageMarket-KitchenPrintable-JustRollWithItSometimes you have to go with, well, that didn’t turn out as I’d hoped but I have a purring kitty on my lap and that’s pretty sweet.

I got in around three this morning. I live a somewhat isolated life but have had a lot of social time all of a sudden; two much needed nights out of the house with comfort food, tequila and the fabulous company of two ladies I rarely get to see.

Friday night I picked up my friend Blau after work. Our adventure began with a plethora of Google Map/GPS glitches that might have tempted the most staunch Mercury Retrograde scoffer to turn we finally arrived at her chiropractic appointment.

2015-05-29_19.07.41Seriously, I thought nothing could top the time when Google Maps Lady told me to take a U Turn in the middle of the Bay Bridge but this time she paused between commands and said, “Not sure how I can help with schizophrenia” then “Turn right on 16th.”

After her appointment Google Maps Lady directed us to take the long and not so scenic route back to Blau’s house. Once we got there I was able to meet her adorable kitties and Blau gave me a really cute hair cut then helped me bleach my roots. It seemed to take an awfully long time which baffled us until I was packing up and we discovered the packet of bleaching powder that should have been added! Oh well, such a thing was befitting of the day.I love the new shorter layers in the back fiercely! I am so much more myself when I get to muss my hair, paint my face, wear a skirt and put on some jewelry. It’s nice to be a girl.

My new do and lovely black and white hair doo dad loaned to me for the occasion!

new hair blau

Then we went out for dinner and drinks. A party of kids came into the restaurant post prom looking just incredible and so grown up! I think it was just what both of us needed. Girl talk, relaxation and comfort food. Driving back to Blau’s place the night was quiet.

I came home, sat in my car for a bit which has long been a ritual for me. The tiredness was already seeping into my bones as I entered. I started tip toeing around the house putting things away and trying to unwind. I walked into the kitchen  and had a moment of giddy glee when I saw the mound of dishes that had been growing in the sink all week had been washed! Who hoo! But then I discovered my housemate had used all my ice and without replacing it, and he’d thrown my laundry aside (even though I folded all of his and left a bag out for mine). The bathroom looked suspiciously like monkeys had a row in it. (Not so woo hoo)

2015-05-30_04.21.19So I put my leftovers into the fridge, got a glass of water, washed my face and curled up with my cat. Every ounce of me wanted to sleep, but some part of my brain wasn’t having it. I picked up a book but my eyes would not focus on the letters. Begrudgingly, I booted up my laptop and watched a video.That seemed to do the trick.

I managed to fall asleep just as it was getting light. The early morning birds sang me to sleep. After a few hours of bliss my housemate and his girlfriend woke me by shouting to each other as he left. Doors slammed. She clomped around for a bit before leaving. At that point I could not go back to sleep.

So, I got up for a bit and surveyed the horrors of the “Craigpocolypse.” The state of the bathroom still defied explanation unless monkeys really were let loose in there. After a couple of hours I just realized I was too tired so I curled up with the snugglepuss and enjoyed a slew of weird dreams of which only cryptic fragments remain. Finally, I woke up at 3:30 in the afternoon.

On one hand I didn’t want to sleep all day. On the other, I did say I had no plans. Admittedly, I did make a list of stuff I might do. Too late for most of that. I had hoped to do a few things tomorrow but I am hesitant to confirm.

Somehow while sleeping I had bunched the pillows up in a strange lumpy configuration. Now my neck is stiff and angry. The rest of my back is in much the same state. My throat and sinuses are scratchy. It’s a bit late for coffee but I really want a cup! I’m finally feeling a few twinges of hunger.

2015-05-30_16.18.59I feel like I’m really not here yet. So, I’m just going to give myself some time to arrive. Sometimes you just have to take it as it comes and let whatever’s left of the day unfold.Meanwhile, if you are lucky, you’ll be blessed with a bundle of purr to keep you company.

Mini Conversations: Life With People Who Are Nothing Like Me


funny-dogs-bbq-hot-dogsI have a Housemate who has pretty much nothing in common with me. Same goes for his girlfriend who has her own apartment, but pretty much lives here. It’s not that I don’t like them but they aren’t easy to live with and they take up the whole space. This is one of the reasons we don’t keep a third housemate for long. Sometimes I think we could be a sitcom around here. “Comedy gold.” *cough*

Note: I refer to my Housemate as Hades, because he plays the game Smite as Hades, he leaves the thermostat all the way up constantly, and really, he is the roommate from Hell. I call his lady, The Girlfriend aka Princess Brattipantz, because that sums up exactly how she behaves and it makes me laugh.

Hades is BBQing. I’m in the kitchen making a salad and a long overdue pot of coffee! The Girlfriend is popping in and out of the kitchen and the living room where she has the TV blaring.

The Girlfriend:You don’t eat much meat do you?
Me: Nope. We don’t actually need meat, you know. I eat it in moderation.
Hades: *waving a hot dog in my face* I LOVE meat! It’s good for you!”
The Girlfriend: Don’t make too many hot dogs. You’re the only one eating them! They’re expensive!
Me: Hot dogs shouldn’t be expensive! They’re made of all the crap parts!
Hades: If I don’t eat them now I’ll heat them up later and they’ll be already grilled! Mmm!

The girlfriend is sitting on the couch watching, The Prancing Elites, a reality show about a gay male dance troupe from the south. She’s giggling at the pretty makeup on the boys and being sad when one has their house burned down.
The Girlfriend: They live in the south (insert frownie face emoticon)

This is a cut above the reality twaddle she usually watches.

The two of them are doing their usual Bickersons routine which is admittedly kind of cute! Either that or it’s just my stockholm syndrome kicking in.

Hades popping off with lines like:

“I DEFINITELY told you I will eat Mac n cheese or salad but I won’t eat both.”


“Fine then! I’ll burn your piece of chicken!”

Oh those kids. They’re too much!

In the midst of prepping my own food, I’m following the hurricane that is Hades, around the kitchen, putting caps back on bottles, removing trash and recycling from the floor and counter, etc.

Hades comes in, opens a drawer that is right at shin level, pulls out the foil and walks away. A few minutes later I see the drawer is still open, foil on the table and Hades standing in the living room mouth agape at the pretty gay guys!

ME: So hey, this is my life of wonderment on a daily basis. I mean here you are, a big strong man but you don’t have the strength to close a drawer after you open it. Is it weak wrists or something?

Brattipantz laughs.
Hades comes into the kitchen to see what I’m talking about.

Hades: That wasn’t me!

Me: Dude! I just watched you open the drawer, pull the foil out and walk away. You should get a test for early onset Alzheimer’s!

Hades: Oh yeah.

Then he closes the drawer and goes back to watch tv.

This is why I live in my room. Sometimes I just don’t want to see it.