My Shoes!

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I’m finishing and loading up a bunch of things today, because I had that marvelous combination of time, internet access and my neuropathy being veddy, veddy quiet. Enjoy!

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“You can’t understand someone until youve walked a mile in their shoes.”

What a ridiculous idea! I wouldn’t want to be in your shoes for two steps and I won’t let you walk a mile in mine. I wouldn’t even let you walk around the block in them.

This is my path. My pain. My difficult road. And sometimes, it’s my easy street. You couldn’t stand to wear my shoes for a minute. Stop looking at them.

This isn’t some kind of challenge. And walking in my shoes won’t make you more empathetic or less judgemental. You’ll just end up pissed off with sore toes and a twisted ankle.

Oh, it’s possible the whole experience would give you some fleeting respect, a little awe for how I’ve managed to traverse such uneven ground in mismatched shoes for all these years. You might marvel at how most of the scars from my falls ended up on my insides instead of on my knees. But your appreciation won’t last because after you’ve taken your pity tour, you’ll be tottering along in your own shoes again, feeling quite superior. While you’re strolling easily or scrambling over debris in YOUR path, you’ll forget all about walking a mile or a minute of mine, although from time to time it may cross your mind that you’re glad you don’t have to.

I’ll let you in on a little secret because I know you won’t remember it next time we meet. I don’t always walk in my shoes either. Sometimes I kick them off and run completely off track for a while plunging my bare feet in sand or wiggling my toes in the grass. Sometimes I stop and lie flat on my back and thrust my feet into the cool night air and laugh at the sensation of lightness.

Sometimes I think subversive thoughts about not putting them back on again or just buying a new pair. But, no, they’re my shoes. Sometimes; a comfortable old friend, sometimes a particularly cruel bully that shadows me home, taking my refuge. Some days they hurt me to my bones, other days they soothes my soles.

I’ll walk in them until they become ghosts. When they fall off in tatters, I’ll walk barefoot until the sun sets.

LM – 2014 / 2016 /2017

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Tunnel Vision

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The first few lines of this song popped in my head one night while I was driving. This happens a lot. Sometimes I get on a tear and I have to pull over to write things down. Sometimes using the recorder on my phone is manageable. Other times I have to keep repeating things while I drive and hope I don’t come up with one lie too many and forget it. Tunnel Vision started as a little fragment that grew when I picked it up a few weeks later. Then I tucked it away and forgot about it. I came across it recently and fleshed it out.
I haven’t got someone to work out the music with but I do have a working melody, but it’s not easy for me to sing right now so I’ll wait to record it. My voice sounds alien to me. I suffer from a condition called vasomotor rhinitis and it has made it nearly impossible for me to sing for several months. Sometimes I can’t even croak out an octave. 
I suppose a lot of my stuff is moody, brooding or gloomy. Intense things just tend to inspire me more. And usually, words just pop into my head, like this one. I didn’t set out to write a song about an obsessive or smothering relationship. I think there are parts of this that are rooted in a relationship I had no business attempting but it sparked a lot of creative work and I can’t complain about that! The song does end on a hopeful note, swapping someone else’s narrow vision for the wide, clear, free expanse of blue sky. Yes, there’s a metaphor there. There’s a lot of symbolism in this song for you to work out in a way that’s meaningful to you someday. 

TUNNEL VISION

You are the intersection where my heart stopped
You are the course correction that fucked me up
Here stops my heart and it can go no further
Can’t veer off the road or make evasive maneuvers

All my gears are frozen still you set me spinning
And sorting through the sticks and stones is so confusing
You feel like an ending that is just beginning and it’s going to drag on

The sun is sinking deep into a panoramic blue
Visual dominion  holds my gaze like glue
Your own spectacular tunnel vision
The tunnel is wide
That tunnel is wide
And I can’t see through to the other side

You are the lake that iced with me half under
You are the sound at night that makes me shudder
Desperately lost and I can go no further
If my bones are never found who will avenge my murder

All my thoughts have folded in I can’t stop thinking
You must have found it funny when I came out swinging
You feel like an ending that is just beginning and it’s going to drag on

The sun is sinking deep into a panoramic blue
Visual dominion holds my gaze like glue
Your own spectacular tunnel vision
The tunnel is wide
That tunnel is wide
And I can’t see through to the other side

I’m prostrate at the crossroads with your boot on my back
You say that I’m mistaken but it’s there when I look back
And when I look up ahead the world just starts to crack
Oh the tunnel is wide
The tunnel is wide
And I can’t see through to the other side
No I can’t see through to the other side

So I’ll just put my head down and I’ll cover my eyes for a long time
So I’ll just put my head down and I’ll cover my eyes for a long time

I’ll put my head down and I’ll cover my eyes
‘Til the sun disappears
I’ll put my head down and I’ll cover my eyes
‘Til the sun disappears
I’ll put my head down and I’ll cover my eyes
‘Til the sun disappears And there is only blue sky
And there is only blue sky
And there is only blue sky
I’ll put my head down and I’ll cover my eyes
‘Til the sun disappears And there is only blue sky
Only blue sky
Only blue sky
Only blue sky
Only blue sky
Only blue sky

LM 2014
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The Flower and the Boot

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And the flower looked up, her petals curled in puzzlement and dismay
Why? Why did you step on me, good sir?
I opened all my petals for you.
I gave to you my sweetest and most pleasing fragrance
I tilted my face to greet you as if you were the sun
I wilted a little each time you stepped away,
Only a little so you’d know you were missed
Not so much you’d think I couldn’t bloom without you

There was a time you couldn’t get enough of me
My lushness and my nectar
My unique design
I only wanted to make you happy
And now you’ve crushed me
I may never recover
The least you could do is tell me why you’ve injured me so

The man stood silent
His face blank as a moonless sky
I am finished with you, he said bluntly
I still want you to like me
I’d even like you to bloom for me
And to turn your face in my direction
But I don’t want you

I don’t want to feed and water you
Or to take any responsibility
I just like knowing you are still there
For me
I don’t know how to leave anything better off than when I found it
And though I’ve said it wouldn’t bother me,
I don’t really want you turning your face toward anybody else

He examined his boot
And besides, he whispered
Though I strive to be compassionate
I’ve always been careless
So cut me some slack little flower
Can’t you see I’m doing my best?
Can’t you see I’m busy doing things
with my life?
Can’t you see I’m busy looking outward for inner happiness?

The flower drooped
But her petals bristled with anger
No, she said
That’s not good enough
I deserve better than that

He considers her reaction
And does not like it
This flower he no longer wants
But cares so much about
Refusing to be compliant
She won’t accept rejection
Won’t go away AND stay as he wishes

He glares at her, indignant
I don’t have time for this, he pronounces
And his boot comes down again

As she cringes , still defiant
The wind catches the little flower
And she dances away just in time
Her petals ringing like truthful bells
Telling all his stories
Sending them off on the wind
Even if she doesn’t recover
He won’t get away with it
Not completely
The wind will tell

Still, as she blows away
A soft, sweet fragrance lingers
And she turns her best face to him
Decorated with dewdrops that travel slowly ‘cross it
And drop to the ground behind her
Leaving a trail that he might follow
With his heart instead of his boots

LM 2014/2016

Lost On You

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Lost On You

Sometimes I’m sure
All of my goodness is lost on you

You seem so much more comfortable
When I stick to your game
The one where we pretend
To poke our eyes out
Then spend all of our time rolling around in the mud
Until the mud obscures everything

It would be so much easier to stop telling you the truth
So, what would you like to hear today?

I am aware of all these months
Where so much time was spent and wasted
You seemed to enjoy reeling me in
With the sound of your voice
My patience and love have never been so sorely tested
And we failed the test that was US

It would be so much smarter to walk away
I try but I slip, I fall harder

You laid a carpet of fear
And you keep tugging at it
You want me to keep falling
Yet you want me to get up and walk away
It will never be a stable foundation no matter how you dress it up
But I want to try, I always want to try

It’s my nature
To hope and believe rain can fall from a cloudless sky and quench my thirst
I want to love, I always give you love
I think it’s my purpose
To hope and to know that every heart that’s been starved for love
Can be full and be free
Just as I would like us to be

I may dream, but I should know better
It is all lost on you

All of my goodness
All of the world’s goodness
Is lost on you, it’s lost to you
Because you enjoy the game
Of self deprecating, of saying you try to be a good person
When deep down you revel in being a shit

-LM 2013/2016*

*Since I haven’t been posting in some time I am combing through things I wrote and didn’t post and expanding on them a bit. This post was just a few lines in 2013. I’ve fleshed it out into a draft of a  full poem

What’s The Real Story?

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Or you were never serious

What is it today

What will it be next time we argue

I’m really curious

Are you remorseful

Or just sorry you were caught

I’m not sure I care about accountability anymore

All I know is it’s impossible to shut the door

With your foot wedged in it

And I can’t evict you from my heart

Because you’ve moved too deep into it

So I won’t listen to your story

I’ll try to keep so busy

That nothing you can tell me

Will find a way to reach me

And I’ll keep moving through my motions

A mermaid drowning in her ocean

It’s all I can think to do

That’s my same old story

I’ve tried to change it

But the truth confounds every attempt to rearrange it.

-LM January 2014

Honestly Grieving

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Anger has stolen my tears
Or maybe it was the distraction of that side show magician
His assistant the pickpocket
Rifling through my grief
While the acrobats in shiny silver costumes
Swing on trapezes of dubious construction

In his red tails and towering top hat
The ring master whispers
Don’t look in the corners
Where the dust has collected
And the real side show horrors live
That’s where all the tricksters are locked up
So they can’t make you laugh
Or unveil the truth

No. No. Follow the sound of my voice
This pretty obfuscation swinging makes you sleepy, does it not?
And if you look or listen long enough he starts to seem quite sensible
You’ll be quite ashamed you ever questioned his bonafides

He will congratulate himself on his showmanship
Another sucker sold

But if you’re brave enough to really look
With both your eyes
And what’s left of your heart
Like I did
You’ll see the bears are really tiny dogs
The lions have no teeth
The tigers are declawed
But the elephants, they never forget
They trumpet the truth
Always
Even when it means a hook in the side
Or a heavy chain embedded in their foot.

And if that doesn’t make you angry
Or fill your veins with righteous venom, what will?

Let it out, speak the truth
For the elephants who remember
And the tricksters who would show you that the sun doesn’t make the shadows
That shame is slight of hand
Blame is artifice
Wrong is wrong

I’ll speak the truth and the circus won’t like it.
They’ll make a circus out of it
A melancholy melodrama
You do me wrong they’ll cry
But then the wolf will come along
And I’ll have my tears back!

-LM 2014
In respectful memory, hail & farewell to my big brother, Mike!
As all shadows fall away may he bask in the sunlight.Image